We Don’t Want to Discuss the Possibility of Us Providing Care to Aging Parents

For some families, providing care themselves can reduce the cost of elder care. Dr. Joe Coughlin, director of the MIT AgeLab says that caregiving for aging parents tends to fall on the oldest daughter.⁶ However, that can be a challenge since women are now the primary breadwinners in 50% of households.⁷ They may not be able to stop working to care for aging parents because it could put their families’ financial stability at risk. Additionally, there are fewer family caregivers because of smaller families and demographic trends.⁸

We Don’t Want to Discuss How Parents Will Pay for Elder Care

You may be wondering if your parents are prepared to pay for their elder care. This can be a tough topic to discuss because you’ll be inquiring about how effectively parents have saved, budgeted, invested, and planned. If you sense that they haven’t prepared, you may wonder if the government can help them. You, and other family members, may feel a responsibility to help pay for your parents’ elder care, but doing so could make you concerned about putting your retirement at risk. If your parents have saved for elder care, there’s still a risk that its high cost could wipe out their life savings.

If your parents’ income is low enough, Medicaid might pick up the cost of elder care. Or, if they’re wealthy or have a substantial pension, they may be able to pay for elder care themselves. Everyone between these two extremes may try combinations of self-insurance, long-term care insurance, financial help from families, Medicare, and VA Benefits. It’s important to understand the rules, regulations, and fine print for each of these options. For example, Medicare doesn’t cover home care, and it only pays for 100 days of nursing home care under certain conditions.

Long-term care insurance can also help cover the cost of elder care, but only 7% of Americans have purchased it.¹² It’s expensive, and the number of providers keeps dropping, and premiums have been spiking recently.To find resources that could help your parents pay for elder care, check out the National Council on Aging’s BenefitsCheckUp webpage. It provides resources and assistance programs organized by state.

Resources That Provide Senior Living Community Pricing Options and Evaluation Tips:

• LivingPath Find info online about independent living, assisted living, and memory care communities. Compare cost, services, and capabilities of senior living communities across the country. Interact with senior living communities by watching community videos, asking questions, and scheduling visits.
• MyLifeSite Educational content to help consumers and those who advise them make better informed decisions about senior living. Filter search results such as available amenities, hobbies and interests, nearby hospitals or universities, type of residency contract, and more.
• Genworth’s 2021 Annual Cost of Care Survey Tracks the cost of long term care services nationwide to help families understand and plan for their long term care needs
• A Place for Mom’s “Senior Housing Costs” Discover price ranges in your area to compare the costs of in-home care to assisted living in your town and to compare the prices of different kinds of care types.
• Gerry— They can help you find a senior living community for your loved one. And they’ll negotiate discounts for you—free of charge (search for meetgerry)
• AARP—”Assisted Living Facilities: Weighing the Options” Article about what family caregivers need to know about services, costs and finding the right place

How to Start the Elder Care Discussion With Parents

One method is to use your situation as a conversation starter. Let your parents know that you’re starting to plan for your elder care, and you’re wondering if they’ve done any planning yet. You want to find out if they have long-term care insurance and how they plan to pay for home care or assisted living if they ever need it. 

Don’t rush the conversations. Don’t feel like it’s only one conversation. It’s better to have several conversations over time. Adult children who rush the conversation tend to push too hard for getting care or moving to an assisted living community prematurely, rather than finding solutions that could help parents stay independent as long as possible. For ideas on how technology helps people remain independent as they age, check out this article at hartfordfunds.com.

Research the cost and options available for elder care in your area. Any conversations about the costs of these options should focus first on what your parents want. Set expectations with them about what you’ll be able to contribute without harming your retirement.

Be careful about asking your parents to tour a facility after you’ve already made an appointment. They may perceive this approach as if you’re trying to “put them away.” If you’re concerned about your parent’s health risk, like falling, consider enlisting the help of people your parents’ trust, like their doctor, to help them understand the need to get additional care.

Be ready for resistance. Your parents value their independence and may strongly resist the idea of moving out of their home or getting help in their home. Let them know that your concerns come from love. Inform them of what care options are available in your area. They may have a horrible perception of institutional senior care. Tell them that assisted living facilities have changed. Many facilities provide a higher quality of life by thinking outside the box and offering technology that keeps residents connected to their families and caregivers.

Get Help From a Financial professional

If you’re thinking about helping pay for your parents’ elder care, a financial professional may be able to help you:

• Understand the costs of elder care
• Maximize public resources to preserve family assets
• Understand how the impact that helping parents financially could affect your retirement

When to Start the Elder Care Discussion With Parents

A general principle of when to have the discussion about future housing for an aging loved one is the 40-70 Rule. If you’re 40 and your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking about elder care.¹³ Don’t expect to reach an agreement during your first conversation. Plan on having several discussions. And remember, ultimately, it’s your loved one’s decision.

Watch for other clues that may indicate the need to have a conversation. Pay attention to your parents’ home. Is it neat or a mess? Are they hoarding? Do you notice any memory challenges, confusion, or physical unsteadiness?

Are You Wondering if You Can Just Deal With Your Parents’ Elder Care When You Have To?

As noted earlier, more than half of us plan on dealing with parents’ elder care when there’s a need. But if there’s a health crisis, like a fall, family stress can go through the roof. Relationships can be get damaged. Family members can each have their ideas about how, when, and where care should be provided. Long-term care insurance options can also be limited or not available, especially if mental or physical health has declined. Experiencing the initial discomfort of having elder care discussions with parents is worth it if you can develop a solid plan for the future.

Let’s Summarize

1. Elder care is the care of people who are elderly or infirm, provided by residential institutions, by paid daily help in the home, or by family members.
2. Many people avoid discussing elder care with their parents
3. Costs of various senior housing options and how our parents will pay for them
4. How to start the elder care discussion with parents

Procrastinating Senior Housing Discussions Is Natural

Just like putting off getting started on that book report in school, we’ve likely avoided discussing senior housing options with our parents. People avoid discussing things they don’t like to think about. However, when asked whether avoidance strategies work, the same people say that they don’t. Step up. Initiate these elder discussions with your parents.